Letters to the Modern Church

Throughout the years, as I have spoken with many different people on the topic of church or Christianity, I have heard many stories of people who have experienced harsh or judgmental responses to sins in their lives, doubts in their faith, or even differing doctrinal beliefs. Some of these people even grew up in the church, and when they expressed any doubts or changing beliefs in their faith, were met with hurtful and judgmental comments and attitudes. Quite a number of these individuals have expressed a greater repulsion for God or Christianity as a result of these types of responses. Many of the Christians in these instances were speaking scriptural truth to these individuals, however, their approach was harsh, and sometimes self-righteous, or even hypocritical. I hear the counter argument stating: “I was speaking the truth. God tells us to be truthful and honest”. While this is a true statement, I would counter that it is often used as an excuse to speak in any way they like, as a way to avoid accountability for their behavior or what comes out of their mouth.

In Matthew chapter 12, Jesus talks about our accountability with what we say, as he was speaking to the self-righteous Pharisees. It is so important to honestly consider your own motives for “speaking the truth”. Are you wanting to be right? Make someone else do right? Or is it coming from a place of Love and deeply caring for the other person? Perhaps, it may even be a combination of those. Are you a parent, spouse, sibling, or close friend of someone who is either living in sin or has fallen away from their faith? Maybe your motives are coming from a place of love and fear, but your approach is harsh. Possibly, you may also be feeling betrayed. In which case, there may be some underlying anger as well.

As a Christ follower, it is so important to pray and seek wisdom from God on how to reach the people in these situations, and not react out of anger and hurt, and aggressively point out where they are wrong. I don’t think I’ve met a single person for whom that tactic would work. In fact, quite the opposite. Most people I know would immediately put up defenses and be unwilling to listen to anything you might have to say, no matter how true it may be.

“Either assume the tree to be good as well as its fruit good, or assume the tree to be bad as well as its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. You offspring of vipers, how can you, being evil, express any good things? For the mouth speaks from that which fills the heart. The good person brings out of his good treasure good things; and the evil person brings out of his evil treasure evil things. But I tell you that for every careless word that people speak, they will give an account of it on the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
Matthew 12:33-37 NASB 2020

Many places in scripture discuss the importance of thinking before you speak, speaking with kindness, or even the damage that can be done with careless words. Just do a scripture word search for “tongue” or “speak” and and you will be immediately met with dozens of passages on the topic.
I recently went to see a movie with a friend called: Glass Onion. In this movie, there was a character who was very blunt in calling people out on things, saying: “I just say it how I see it” and “I’m a truth teller. Some people can’t handle it”. I thought the response of Daniel Craig’s character was so profound that it almost seemed out of place in a comedy movie. “It’s a dangerous thing to mistake speaking without thought, for speaking the truth”.

“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”
Proverbs 15:28 ESV

“If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”
James 1:26 ESV

Your attitude matters. The way you respond matters.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV

Jesus, himself, named Love as the greatest commandment, in Matthew 22:36-40. It’s easy to speak the cold, hard truth. It’s easy to be critical and judgmental when we see others doing something that either God or we consider to be wrong. It’s not easy to practice restraint, and to stop and consider what we say before we speak out loud.
There have been times when I have wanted to call my husband out on something he “did wrong” or failed to follow through on something that he said he would. There are times when I very much want to say something that may feel necessary, then I hear the Holy Spirit whisper “later, now is not the time” or “let me handle it”. There are times that I listen and times that I don’t. Let me tell you: the times that I don’t listen are usually when we get into an argument and things often end poorly.

“I said, “I will guard my ways
That I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
While the wicked are in my presence.””
Psalm 39:1 ESV

In this Psalm, David couldn’t speak without sinning, so he chose to close his mouth instead. I believe that, more often than not, it is better to say nothing, than to say the wrong thing. Do you really think you are going to convince your family member or friend that they are wrong about something by arguing with them and speaking condescendingly or judgmentally, even if you are correct? I could not even begin to count the sheer number of times that my God-fearing mother reminded me, when I was a child, how much even your tone of voice matters, when speaking to others.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

I have met many different people from many different walks of life and I have found that, in almost every situation, people are more willing to listen or consider another perspective when things are spoken in a kind and loving manner, with respect for their history that has shaped their perspective/choices/lifestyle, and for their autonomy. I am not suggesting that we compromise on the truth, but our approach should be filled with much more compassion, love, and grace than I very often see shown.

“Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving; praying at the same time for us as well, that God will open up to us a door for the word, so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I have also been imprisoned; that I may make it clear in the way I ought to speak.
Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of [every] opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”
Colossians 4:2-6 NASB 1995

In the book of Ephesians, Paul talks about two different commands regarding how we are to speak. I believe it is extremely important to incorporate both into our speech at all times, especially in situations like mentioned earlier.

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:25-32 NIV

Now, I will ask you to stop here for a moment, go back, and re-read that last passage. However, this time, I would like you to take note of the number of things that Paul tells the Ephesians to do, in contrast with how many things he says not to do (or to get rid of/stop doing).
Paul begins by telling us to speak truth. It is vitally important to not compromise on truths taught in scripture. Yet, he continues by going into detail on how we are not to act or speak. Note that Paul spent much more time talking about what not to do than he did about what to do. This tells me that humanity, in general, has a propensity to failing in those areas when they “speak truthfully to [their] neighbor”. That should cause us to pause to consider how we really ought to respond to people in these situations. It is a very easy thing to speak the truth bluntly. It is not an easy thing to speak truth with grace, gentleness, and love.
Additionally, it is equally important to practice discernment in whether or not to even say anything.

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint,
and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent,
and discerning if they hold their tongues.”
Proverbs 17:27-28 NIV

Perhaps, it’s really not your place to say something. It might be that you are not the right person for that job. Or maybe, just maybe, God just wants you to love on them and show Christ to them through your actions or be an example, while He does the talking to them.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”
James 1:19 NIV

And pray, always.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”
Ephesians 6:18 NIV

In these types of situations, the things I pray for most consistently in the moment are: wisdom and discernment in what to say, and when to close my mouth and let God handle things. Often, it’s a quick and silent prayer that goes something like this:

God, please give me wisdom and discernment as I speak with this person. Please help me to know when to speak and when to be silent.

“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.”
Proverbs 15:28 NASB

Your attitude matters. The way you respond matters.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Proverbs 18:21 NASB

“I said, “I will guard my ways
That I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
While the wicked are in my presence.””
Psalm 39:1 ESV

May the God of Love fill your hearts with gentleness and compassion as you seek to reach the lost and hurting, following in the footsteps of Christ.

For the prayer warriors out there, I ask this:

“Pray also for me, that whenever I speak [or write], words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”
Ephesians 6:19, 20b NIV